Grieving? Read Romance.
I’ve made a change—I no longer recommend books directly about grief to people that are actively grieving.
You see, one of the most common messages that I get are from people asking me for book recommendations. Either they themselves are navigating a loss or they have a loved one who is. What books should they read? What’s a good book for someone that just lost a parent? And what’s an option for someone grappling with a Shadowloss?
I used to reply with a selection of educational grief, death and dying books. But, my mind has been changed. I now recommend reading romance to those that are actively grieving, and suggest saving the more academic or education-type books for when the grief has settled a bit.
Now, let me blow your mind with some facts that blew my mind:
Romance is the largest book genre.
It’s one of the oldest book genres.
The average romance reader reads more books than the average American (about a book a week), is more up to date on current events, tends to make a good living, is college educated, and is likely to be in a marriage or living together with a partner.
You might like romance already and not know it—ever read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green or Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens?
The genre has evolved and expanded a lot in recent years: more BIPOC authors are getting published, more LGBTQIA+ stories are being featured, and life experiences like PTSD, dementia, mental health struggles and grief are included into storylines. If, when you think romance novel you think of Fabio and the 1990s—my friend things have changed.
1. ACTIVE GRIEF MAY NOT BE THE BEST TIME FOR GRIEF EDUCATION.
Sometimes, the most important work you can do is just get a little distance between you and the loss. Your brain needs some time to process, some time to just adjust to what happened. I fully encourage getting better educated about grief and loss, however I think the timing of doing such a thing can make a big difference. When you are actively grieving, that may not be the best time to focus your diminished mental and emotional resources on learning about what ails you.
2. DISMISSING THE LARGEST GENRE OF BOOKS SAYS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN ABOUT THE BOOKS.
Romance is the largest genre of book. Are you one of those people that dismisses an entire genre of books? I was. Except I just called it “I’m not the ‘type of person’ that reads romance.” Turns out, I was the type of person that was just being a butthead. I was also completely overlooking my enjoyment of several romance novels I had not realized were romances at all.
There’s a phrase I learned when I was doing a clinical rotation as a chaplain that rings true for me here: “Don’t block your blessings.”
3. ROMANCE NOVELS CAN GIVE YOUR BRAIN A SAFE SPACE.
Your real life just threw a dumpster fire your way, right? You might benefit from books that don’t do the same. Romance novels are known for what’s called an HEA—a Happily Ever After. If life hasn’t given one of those to you lately, perhaps enjoying one in the pages of a book might provide you with a much needed break. Don’t underestimate the power of consuming content that you know will end on a happy note. Your brain does not have to worry about enduring the unexpected death of a beloved character (I still have not gotten over the death of Denny in the TV Show Grey’s Anatomy) or a devastating plot twist that leaves you in tears. Take a break from the hard stuff for a while—romance is great for that.
4. ROMANCE NOVELS PROVIDE STRUCTURE.
You might hear this described as tropes. It’s not really like that. It’s just good bones.
Romance novels will follow some basic plot format like Friends-to-Lovers, Second Chances, Fake Relationships, Enemies-to-Lovers, or Secret Identities to name a few. These create a satisfying base upon which interesting characters, details and story can be built. For the grieving reader, it can be nice to read a story where you know what’s going to generally happen (given that real life hasn’t done so).
5. SEX IS AS PREVALENT AS YOU WANT IT TO BE.
Romance novels can include all shades of intimacy from absolutely no physical contact in a story to just handholding to very spicy stuff. When you are huddled up in a grief bubble with dried snot caked to your face and dirty hair absolutely NOT feeling your best, sometimes reading something a little spicy is….kind of nice? Or if your perception of romance is that it’s all just bodice rippers, you can set that idea down and leave it behind. It’s easy to find books today that meet you where you are with your comfort level around sex.
Side note, I see a connection here I hope to explore in my thanatological work someday. I’d argue that it isn’t so much the sex in a romance novel that makes some people uncomfortable, it’s the intimacy (or lack thereof). I see a similar pattern with grief. Grief makes some of us really uncomfortable, especially seeing other people grieve. On the other hand, some of us are totally fine with grief whether it’s our own or someone else's.
6. AREN’T READY FOR A GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP? MAYBE TRY A ROMANCE BOOK CLUB.
You may not be a support group person. But, you might find one in the romance community. You see, romance readers are wonderful people (see facts provided above). Romance readers tend to be educated, financially stable and open minded. They are avid readers, and loyal. They also seem to love talking about romance. It takes the most minimal effort to get a book recommendation, and it’s also easy to find romance book clubs online. The romance community tends to be accepting, supportive and open-minded—a great space for a griever to hang out.
7. YOU CAN LEARN STUFF.
Many romance novels are well-researched and provide accurate and thoughtful details about aspects of the story. If you are a history buff, for example, there’s probably a romance novel out there that melds your favorite historical event or time period with a great Happily Ever After. In my case, I wanted to find a romance that had a botanical angle. I found a ton and settled on one that went into detail about the Victorian language of flowers. The novel had sources included in the back, and I ended up tracking down a few which I have since added to my research database.
8. TRY PROCESSING YOUR LOSS THROUGH A PARALLEL ROMANCE NOVEL.
Have you lost a child? A spouse? A parent? There are romance novels that center around those experiences. And Shadowlosses too, things like divorces, or a military spouse developing PTSD, or a business failing and having to start over. Grievers might be able to see a little bit of themselves in the pages of a romance novel, without, perhaps, it feeling so direct. For some grievers, this can be part of the grief journey, of processing the loss. It can feel nice to see other people find a happily ever after again, because that means you might be able to, too.
9. DON’T MISTAKE INTERNALIZED PATRIARCHY, MISOGYNY AND ANTI-FEMINISM FOR WHY YOU DON’T LIKE THE ROMANCE GENRE.
I realized, after getting curious about my own assumptions, that writing off romance was actually me playing into the misogynistic idea that romance is fluff. It’s interesting to me, too, that we have this phrase ‘chick lit’ to refer to romance specifically for women, but do not have an equal term for men. That should be a big red flag to us all. I view an aspect of my support of the romance genre overall as a tiny bit of activism. I fully reject the notion that romance is just for women. I reject this idea that romance novels are fluff. How is it, exactly, that the largest and most profitable genre of books is somehow….one that doesn’t count like the other genres? How is it that romance—a genre written most often by women for women—-is not ‘real’ reading? How is it that the average romance reader is an educated, financially stable, partnered woman yet society tells us that romance readers are unintelligent and shallow? I reject all that fully, and invite you to do the same.
Romance novels are for everyone.
And romance novels can be a helpful friend to a grieving heart.
Don’t block your blessings.
Here’s a list of romance novels for grievers I put together: https://amzn.to/3K67XBw As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Here’s a romance only bookstore based in LA that you can order from, and they have a romance book subscription box too! For example, you can order Whiskey & Ribbons by Leesa Cross-Smith through them if you don’t want to order through a big box retailer. The Ripped Bodice provided me with affiliate links.
Please share any grief and loss recommendations in the comments so others can find a good place to start!