[This is one of my most popular columns of all time, and was originally published in 2012. It got an update in 2018, and has been refreshed yet again in 2023. Hopefully this will serve as a useful resource for you.]

Sympathy notes are only sent when someone we love or care about has experienced the pain of loss. There’s no other time this type of correspondence is sent. And, for as difficult as it can be to find the right words of condolence in person, it can feel even harder to find them in writing.

Before you read the rest of this column, the most important thing you need to know about sympathy notes is that done is better than perfect. It’s better to send a sympathy note than not to send one at all. Don’t get too hung up on it, and just get it out there. Done is better than perfect. A sent sympathy note is better than an unsent sympathy note.

Here are my guidelines for writing a sympathy note:

1. Choose a Smaller Card Size

It’s already hard enough figuring out what to write, so don’t make it harder on yourself. A smaller size card takes the pressure off—when you see that there’s less blank space in there asking to be filled, it feels more manageable.

2. A Sympathy Note Doesn’t Make It Better, it Validates a Griever’s Grief

The purpose of a sympathy note is not to make things better for the recipient. It’s to provide a tangible reminder that the recipient has people in their life that care about them. Your job as a sympathy note writer is to remind the recipient that you care, not to try to lessen their pain. You cannot lessen their pain with a sympathy note, but you can strengthen their sense of being seen and supported in this difficult time.

When people are grieving, they don’t want you to fix them, they want you to see them. They don’t want you to change them, they want you to accept them as they are, in their grief.

3. Don’t Put the Ball in Their Court

Avoid saying or writing something like: “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”

While the sentiment overall is rooted in kindness, it’s not helpful. What is really being said is: “I’ll help, but you have to reach out to me first and tell me what you specifically want me to do.”

When I became aware of this many years ago, I remember I was a little shocked. I said this all the time to people, especially via social media. For example, someone might post that their beloved dog died, and there’d be eight Facebook comments saying “If you need something, just let me know!” It’s just another way of not really saying anything at all.

When someone is grieving, the last thing they need is another ball in their court, so to speak. And honestly, they’re not going to call. Grief is stress, and it would be helpful to reduce expectations on grievers. When your world is shattered, the last thing you have mental bandwidth for is identifying things that other people can help with, then contacting those people for the help, and coordinating times for those ‘helpers’ to help. That’s why this just doesn’t happen, and it’s why those of us lucky enough to be supporting those in grief (and not actually grieving) need to make more of an effort.

It’s better to say something like “I’m going to call you on Tuesday next week to check on you” or “I’m going to drop a dinner off at your house on your porch this Saturday about 4pm, with instructions for reheating stuck to the top. I’ll text you when I drop it off, and I will not ring your doorbell.”

If you want to actually support a griever, you need to not only take the initiative but also take on full execution.

For people that you are not really close to, it’s better to just offer a sincere condolence, and eliminate the ‘if there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know’ completely.

4. Don’t Say “They’re better off now,” or “They’re happy now,” or Even “They’re in a better place.”

Because if you do say this, you better be able to prove it to the griever.

Even if the person you are writing to has said one of the above statements to you, it’s still best not to say it yourself. Honestly, maybe they’re not better off. Perhaps things happened you’re not aware of, or full details weren’t released publicly. The other challenge with this sentiment is that it can connect, for some people, to religious beliefs.

In my work as a jail chaplain, I remember sitting with a grieving person experiencing incarceration. Their loved one, on the outside, died. The griever belonged to a religious tradition that indicated that the deceased would not be entitled to an eternity in heaven based on their actions in life. The individual I was counseling had received a condolence letter which told them their deceased loved one was now in a better place. However, according to their religious beliefs, their loved one was NOT in a better place. Their loved one was suffering in hell. The condolence card set this griever off into a painful existential spiral and the writer of the note likely had no idea their sentiment could have a negative impact.

Another issue with this type of statement is that it’s not really a comfort to the person that was left behind. The person who died is still dead. They’re still dead whether they’re better off or not. And, the person receiving your sympathy note is probably not better off, definitely not happy now, and likely not in a better place. They are grieving which is one of the most difficult places to be in life.

In my work in hospice, I remember one of our patients died from cancer. She died very young. After her death, one sibling said to another “she’s in a better place now.” The other sibling replied, “She absolutely did not want to die this young, or from cancer. She said it herself. She’s not in a better place according to her!”

You see, sympathy notes are about the griever and the griever’s needs…not the deceased. Put another way, sending a griever a sympathy note that only talks about where a deceased person has gone completely ignores the experience of the griever, the person that is dealing with life after loss—whatever the loss might have been. Don’t deflect from the important job of witnessing your loved one’s pain by talking about someone else’s soul. Talk about your loved one, the person receiving the note.

Dead people don’t get sympathy notes, grievers do.

5. Be Careful When You Say “I Understand”

Be careful when you say you understand or when you say you know how the person feels (particularly when you’ve never been through the same situation). Let me give you an example. Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote to a close friend whose Dad died many years ago. My friend and her Dad had a very close relationship:

“While I can’t understand what it’s like to lose a parent or speak to this type of loss, I can understand what it’s like to be loved by a parent and how hard this must be for you given how much your Dad loved and completely adored you. I remember in high school how he’d pick us up after track practice and he’d always kiss you on your cheek, give you a hug, take your backpack from you, and ask you how your day was when we’d get in the car. Your Dad listened to every little detail about our lives and I felt so lucky to have gotten to experience this kind of love and genuine interest from him. I remember us telling him about all the latest high school gossip and I think we both believed he was completely invested in whatever drama was happening. Looking back, I now know it was just pure love. Your Dad loved you so much that all the excess spilled over and went to your friends.”

Everything I said was completely and totally true. I didn’t say I knew or I understood what it’s like to have your Dad die when I really don’t know and I really don’t understand. Plus, I wasn’t actually talking about death in this condolence card, I was talking about life. I was talking about the impact my friend’s Dad had.

6. Share a Memory of the Deceased If You Have One

One of the best things to write inside a sympathy note is a treasured memory with the deceased. This is a way to focus on the life of the person and not their death. Many times, the recipient will enjoy reading how their loved one left a mark on others, or they might enjoy hearing a story they hadn’t heard before.

7. Talk About Impact

When a loved one is grieving the death of someone I never met, I’m obviously not able to share a memory or story with the deceased. What I do instead is I focus on a quality my friend possesses that no doubt came from the deceased, or just on the impact of the deceased on my friend overall. Here’s an example:

“Dear Friend,

I am sorry your Dad died. While I never got to meet your Dad, I no doubt have come to know a bit of him through you. Your Dad helped shape you into the person you are today, and you are one of the most important people in my life, and one of my closest friends. I am grateful to your Dad for creating one of the best people I have ever known—YOU. I love you so much friend, and I see your grief.”

For less close relationships, instead of talking about the impact the deceased had on a person, you can talk about their impact on a community.

8. For a Shadowloss, Validate the Griever’s Grief and Don’t Impose Your Own Experiences

A Shadowloss is a loss in life, not of life. Common Shadowlosses are divorces, retirement, filing for bankruptcy, the death of a dream (think of the pandemic cancelling vacations, important life events, etc.), and medical diagnoses. People might experience these things as Shadowlosses, which means they will experience grief. The brain grieves the deaths of things the same way it grieves the deaths of people or animals. The brain does not have different grief settings for different types of loss—grief is grief.

When writing a sympathy note to someone grieving a Shadowloss, it’s important to name the Shadowloss specifically, I think. This signals to the griever that you fully accept their loss. Shadowlosses often have some stigmas attached to them, and at the very least, many Shadowlosses result in people saying things like “Oh, you were diagnosed with lupus? That’s not a big deal, people live their whole lives with it just fine! You’ll be fine!”

Many people place atop a griever of a Shadowloss their own thoughts and feelings, erasing the experience of the griever. Just because they never grieved the same kind of Shadowloss has absolutely no impact on whether you will or will not. You see, it can be true that if you were diagnosed with Lupus, you might be fine with it and not experience it as a Shadowloss. But, just because it’s true for you, doesn’t mean it’s true for others. You want to make sure you aren’t forcing your own experience onto someone else. Your job is to listen, validate and support the person you care about.

It’s also important to name the thing that is being grieved specifically because it demonstrates that you aren’t avoiding it. In my years working with death, dying, grief and loss I have noticed how powerful it is to name the things that make us uncomfortable. Other people’s grief is something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and a sympathy note is a place to take back our power from it. Naming it means you aren’t shaming it.

9. Make the Intangible, Tangible. Give Form to the Formless

You can’t hold grief. You can’t touch it. You can’t taste it. You can’t see it. And you can’t hear it. It is at once completely invisible, but also undeniable. Like gravity. Or wind. Or magnetic fields. I believe those things exist of course, but sometimes it’s hard to understand because they’re all invisible.

If you are trying to support someone that is grieving, I want you to reframe the way you are approaching it. You see, the griever is enveloped inside the invisible force of grief. They have an imbalance of invisible in their life, and you, as a supporter, can offer something that is visible. This will help bring things into balance a bit more. You are trying to balance the invisible with the visible.

Some examples:

• You can provide something tangible—something the griever can physically hold—during a time when everything seems invisible. Drop off dinner. Put a card in the mail. Send flowers. Show up in person. In my experience, comments on social media and emails don’t always count. Those are things robots can do. It takes a human being to send a meal, a card, or flowers.

• You can be the eyes, so to speak, on someone’s grief. Be the person that sees someone’s grief, and doesn’t ask them to hide it, when much of society won’t even look at it. Be the person a griever feels like they don’t have to hide the mess for.

• You can be the ears that hear the griever speak. Be the person that calls just to listen. Be the voice that validates the experience someone is sharing with you.

Ask yourself how your support can feel tangible to the griever and see what you come up with.

10. Take the Time

Sometimes, the act of sending a sympathy card to someone actually reveals quite a lot about the chaotic workings of our own inner lives. Sympathy notes often reveal how stressed, exhausted and frazzled we are and so it’s easier to just not send one. We can avoid bad feelings we might have about ourselves and our own lives.

Where are the stamps?

Need to stop at the post office.

How much are stamps now??

WHERE ARE THE ENVELOPES.

I thought I had an extra sympathy card in my office.

In that box of stuff under the printer.

I’ll just stop and buy a card after work.

Oh wait, who has a birthday coming up? I can buy some extra cards then too.

Ok, got the card. I’ll mail it tomorrow.

Now, what to write.

::Finishes. Tucks it behind the sun visor in the car, forgets to mail it::

Most anything written in a sympathy note has good intentions behind it. However, if you are going to take the time to write one, really pay attention to what you are saying versus what you are meaning. They can be different. If you want to actually do something for the bereaved, say what it is and commit to it. Don’t put anything back on the bereaved. Don’t comment on where the deceased has gone or how the deceased may be doing. Focus on the person you are writing to, the person who is still alive and dealing with the aftermath.

Loss is a funny thing. It happens to all of us, and will happen to everyone we know. Yet, many of us struggle with how to act or what to say when it happens. If you stay present and commit to doing something for the bereaved you’ll stand a better chance of sending a note that is meaningful, memorable and a true comfort.

All this said, a note written and sent is better than no note at all.

Grief and Loss Related Sympathy Cards and Products I Like:

• Modern Sympathy Cards Kristina Burkey, owner of Calliope Paperie in Natick, Massachusetts, has an in person stationery store. She also has a robust sympathy card section and will ship directly to you if you order online. Here’s the link to the sympathy cards she carries: https://calliopepaperie.com/search?q=sympathy

• Sympathy Cards Shorthand is another stationery store that has a nice selection of sympathy cards. You can shop in person or online. Here’s a link to their sympathy section: https://shopshorthand.com/search?q=sympathy

• “I’m Grieving” Button or Sticker One of the most popular items I sell (and frustratingly, also see copied) are my “I’m Grieving” buttons. These are a nice thing to send to a griever. You can order them through my website here: https://coleimperi.com/shop/p/im-grieving-grief-buttons and also through the School of American Thanatology’s Bookstore here: https://americanthanatology.com/store/p/im-grieving-button

• Pewter Pocket Coins are great to stock up on, come in all kinds of styles, and you can hot glue them inside ANY sympathy card when appropriate. They provide something tangible to hold. A good rule of thumb with religious items: do not send someone a religion-connected item unless you participate in their religion with them already. Gentle reminder—one of the most common times in life when we do not have a good relationship with God or religion in general is when there has been a loss. And, don’t make this sympathy note about you and what brings you comfort. Here’s a pack of angel coins from Uncommon Goods I like here: https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/pewter-angel-coins-set-of-12 I also like this lotus coin option because the lotus sits in the muddy darkness long before it reaches the surface and blooms. This is often a nice metaphor for loss, and might resonate with a special griever in your life. You can find these coins in all kinds of shapes and styles. Here’s one other option: https://a.co/d/4hxqzFo

Shareable Social Media Images from this Column