Election Grief
It’s a real thing. And if you aren’t experiencing it, you probably know someone who is.
Here’s what it is, what it’s not, and what to do about it.
What is Election Grief?
Grief always follows a loss. So what loss is being grieved when it comes to the election?
Each griever has a right to describe their own lived experience, so you should always ask a griever about their loss directly, if given the opportunity. And you should believe them.
That said, for many people grieving in the aftermath of an election, they may be grieving:
The loss of unity
The loss of the future
The loss of safety and/or security
The election itself is the catalyst for the loss that is being grieved, which is why it’s often referred to as ‘election grief.’ If the election hadn’t happened, the loss wouldn’t have either.
The Loss of Unity
Many grievers, in the wake of election results, might be coming to terms with the reality that neighbors, colleagues, friends, or family members are not on the same page. Or, are not aligned in the way that they thought they were. Depending on the griever’s ethnicity, political affiliation, religion, gender, social values, family structure, and culture, they may be staring at proof that people they are connected to voted in a way that puts their health, well-being, safety, equality, at risk. It can be devastating and disorienting to see that the things you value at your center are perhaps not valued at all by people you care about. This can connect to painful feelings of rejection, being othered, and vulnerability.
The Loss of the Future
After an election, many people are grieving the loss of a future that they saw for themselves. A future that they had a reasonable expectation of attaining.
This happens after a deathloss, too. For example, if you are married, you likely have an expectation that your spouse will be around next year. But if they suddenly die, not only are you grieving their loss, but you are also grieving the loss of part of your future.
It happens after other kinds of shadowlosses, as well. For example, let’s say you are in law school and have done really well. There is no indication that you should expect to have a hard time passing the bar exam. Perhaps you have a job, and a large number of things lined up. ……..And then you don’t pass the bar. And that job isn’t going to happen now, nor are most of the things you had a reasonable expectation of happening. That's loss.
This same dynamic is what many navigating election grief are feeling. The future does not look at all how they thought it would.
We don’t grieve things we didn’t care about.
Humans do not grieve things they didn’t care about. Which, if you are reading this article because you are trying to understand why people are grieving—that might be because you are not. You have not experienced the election as a loss. Your experience, however, does not negate someone else’s.
For example, if my Grandma dies, you would be able to access some compassion and empathy for me. You’d be able to see my grief and respond to it. You might say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” You would be able to put yourself in my shoes and understand that I would be sad my Grandma died.
If your Grandma is still alive, but mine is dead—you wouldn’t withhold empathy and compassion from me just because your Grandma isn’t dead, too, right? Of course. It’s possible for me to have a loss, while you have not. You can comfort me without taking something away from yourself.
One of the challenges communities experience related to election grief is that some members are not able or are unwilling to recognize other people’s loss. They may instead choose to invalidate someone else’s pain, withhold empathy and compassion, and instead choosee self-righteousness or judgment making someone else’s pain about their perceived ‘correctness’ and your ‘wrongness.’
Just like with the deathlosses, some people are very uncomfortable with other people’s grief and lack the emotional maturity or experience to respond to it. It is possible to have a different opinion and a different experience, and still respond with compassion to another person’s pain.
We don’t get to choose our losses, and we don’t get to choose whether or not we grieve.
Election Grief can often feel like a surprise to a griever. In fact, all kinds of shadowlosses can be experienced that way. It often isn’t until after we lose something that we realize just how much it meant to us. And it takes time to accept the loss, and sort through what will become a new normal.
All loss is change, and all change is stress. All change is also destabilizing (to varying degrees, of course).
For people experiencing Election Grief, remember that your brain is having to make extra space to figure out this change. Just like we’d give ourselves or someone else extra grace after the death of a loved one, we should do the same after an election.
What you can do if you are experiencing Election Grief:
• Spend time with people that will see your loss and support your grief. Avoid those that won’t, or don’t.
• Screen time is not nourshing your soul or your spirit. Be responsible for how much time you spend scrolling.
• Don’t bypass your feelings, or the processing you need to do. Sometimes, right after a loss, we throw ourselves into starting a new initiative or non-profit, or a new certification or training. Sometimes we are doing that because it feels better than being in our grief. It’s recommended to not start anything new until the dust settles.
• Read this: Grief Needs Salt, Fat, Water, and Heat.
• Remember that the antidote to fear is action.
• And the antidote to isolation is community.
• Ask what questions, not why questions. Why questions often give us information, but what questions lead us to action. What can I do differently? What has this loss taught me? What am I doing to take care of myself? What am I doing to take care of others?
What you can do if someone you care about is experiencing Election Grief:
• Do validate their loss and their grief. You are not the decider of who gets to call something a loss, and who doesn’t. Nor do you decide who grieves, and who doesn’t.
• Do check in.
• There’s nothing for you to fix, there is just grief that needs to be seen. It’s ok to see and recognize someone’s loss and grief, and to tell them you see it….and that’s it. Your grief support role is not to lessen, remove, or minimize anything. It’s just to see it.
• Pay attention to context. If you voted in a way that the griever experiences as harmful—believe them. And step aside. You may not be the right person to provide active grief support.
